Have you ever created a fear?
Totally consumed yourself with an irrational thought that it eventually becomes your worst nightmare?
Then, that fear that has spent months in the canada pharmacy viagra making inside of your head becomes reality.
The funny thing with that is even though you are aware of the fear that is reality you choose to look past it. It can’t happen, even though it is happening and you won’t let yourself see it, even though you blatantly can with the zip of your once comfortable fitting jeans.
What I’m getting at here is over the past three years I’ve slowly created my own greatest fear and within the past eight months I’ve watched that fear turn into reality. Now, I’m at a point where everything is very real and it has the power to completely break me down.
My feelings have been very up and down. When I allow myself to realize all of the things that I believe I let “go to shit” I feel like I’ve failed myself and everyone around me. Along with my created fear comes another fear, not as big but also created, which is the judgement I assume people are giving me.
If you’ve read this far you’re either thinking I’m crazy or you are following me word for word because you’ve been there before, no matter the situation, or are here with me now. If the latter is the case then let’s move forward…
While I’ve had what I’m deeming “The Worst Day Ever”, I have also come to a realization that the
past three yearsÂ nineteen years of my life have been valuable learning experiences. And ya know what? I still have a butt ton of learning experiences that have yet to come!
You see, everyone suffers with different obstacles in their lives. Whether it be a physical handicap or a mental handicap we have two options on how to deal with them. We can 1) allow them to become who we are and live day in and day out letting what is a personal challenge dictate our lives or we can 2) learn how to handle the downs with the ups and accept that this challenge might never fully go away but that’s ok because we’ve found the strength inside of ourselves to recognize and handle the challenge.
It all starts with accepting it folks.
I struggle with disordered eating and body image issues.
I created a fear of the weight I lost three years ago finding its way back to my body.
While I may have found physical health, I never quite got there mentally and that fear became a reality.
So here I am.
Ok so, for the “What now?” question that you might be asking and I surely know I’m asking, I’ll tell ya.
Now, I’m going to do things the right way: lose the weight (maybe not all of it because I used to be one skinny bitch, but enough to wear all those damn expensive pairs of jeans I have collecting dust in my closet) and give myself the credit I deserve! Because in all honesty, I am a strong person and despite my irrational thoughts, I am beautiful. And so are you.
I want this blog to be as real as I am and while I’m not going to share every minuscule detail of my somewhat mundane life, I am going to be completely honest with you guys on the other side of the screen. I’m not perfect and I do not want this blog to lead you to believe that I’m leading this perfectly peachy life filled with rainbows and peanut butter. Ok it is kinda filled with peanut butter but you get what I’m throwin’ down?
Now that I’ve gotten *most* of that off my chest I’d like you to look forward to seeing me waaay more often ’round these parts of the world wide web. Also, expect some ridiculously rad posts on my few learning experiences over the years and the wisdom I can grace you with. 😉
What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.